Feeling Bad About Your Skin – It’s Not As Bad As You Think

Distorted Perceptions Of Skin

I cannot tell you how many times I meet people or advise clients who tell me how bad their skin is, when in fact their skin is never half as bad as they perceive it to be. Seriously, this happens 99% of the time. The other 1% is truly merited – when skin shows a clinically serious skin disorder that requires urgent medical attention.

Complaints about breakouts or blackheads are especially common. Sometimes people tell me they have “very bad acne.” I look at their skin and think: What? Where? Half the time, I can’t even see the blemishes standing a foot or two away. (And being a trained skin professional, I immediately and automatically assess the skin of everyone I look at within the first 10 seconds – strangers or not.)

So this begs the question – why do people think their skin is so bad? Well, there are probably dozens of reasons, but that’s not what I want to talk about.

Instead, I’d like to do a reality check, re-assure you if you’re feeling bad about your skin, and re-focus your attention on more productive ways to spend your mental energy.

The Reality Check

So, my first goal is to persuade you not to feel so bad. I don’t want to downplay your skin concerns, or tell you that you don’t have bad skin when you are truly distressed about your skin.

But I do want to allay your grief if you are frustrated about your skin. Obviously I can’t see your skin, but here’s what I can tell you:

1. First, take a deep breath and remind yourself that it’s not permanent.

Fortunately, skin is a dynamic, constantly evolving organ that can be changed (for better or worse). Take comfort in the fact that you can change your skin, unlike your height or bone structure. It just takes time. And the right habits, products, treatments, and diet.

Be optimistic that your skin can and will improve.

2. Unless you have a serious skin disease or have had a severe injury, your skin is not as bad as you think it is.

We have a tendency to perceive flaws to be more exaggerated than they really are. Perhaps we compare our skin to a perfect state of skin – no blemishes, no visible pores, no shine, no irregularities. We see perfect states of skin in the media. But realize that skin is never perfect. There are temporary states of perfection, but perfection doesn’t last.

Models, who exhibit flawless skin in photos, are not reflective of the population. On a bell curve, they are at the very tail end of the curve (less than 1 percentile). They have been selected for beautiful skin and more critically, youth. Most people fall under the hump of a bell curve. That is the norm. That is reality. Remind yourself of that, and the fact that almost every photo is Photoshopped.

Some people are lucky to be born with trouble-free skin. And they don’t have to deal with ongoing skin issues. But skin takes a beating from internal aging and the environment. So skin inevitably moves from a state of perfection (only when we’re babies) to a lesser state of perfection over time. Everyone will struggle with their skin at some point in their lives.

The great irony is that I hear self negativity from people with good skin far more often than those with poor skin who could really use some help. I think it’s because if you care about your skin, you expect more. It’s okay to have high standards, just don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Especially not for skin.

3. No one is scrutinizing your skin like you are.

Trust me on this, no one cares about your pores or how your skin looks. Sadly, we are a very self-centered society. People are far too focused on themselves these days to bother zeroing in on your skin. If they do not care about your skin, they are not paying attention to your skin. If they are noticing something about your skin, it quickly becomes an afterthought.

Now, if you should be so lucky as to have someone in your life who is actually scrutinizing your skin, chances are it’s because he or she can’t their eyes off you. They are attracted to you! In that case you should be happy. It’s a gift!

4. Adopt the perspective that you have a first-world problem.

If you are reading this blog, I am assuming you are not in dire straits. That is, you’re not starving, you’re not suffering from a life-threatening disease, you’re not being persecuted, you’re not living in a war zone, you’re not experiencing acute stress or trauma, you’re not worried for you or your family’s life or safety. For the purposes of this blog post, I am also assuming you don’t have a medically disfiguring skin disease or injury.

Remind yourself that there are so many other things that could make your life worse. Blemishes are not desirable, but you would probably take those any day over the problems I listed above. At least half of the people on our planet don’t have the luxury of worrying about their skin. They’re worried about where their next meal is coming from, whether their home will be bombed, or how they will rebuild their lives after a natural disaster.

When you put things into a larger perspective, it may liberate you from feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, and it makes you appreciate what you do have so much more.

Re-Focus Your Mental Energy

The next thing I want to do is suggest ways to shift your focus away from feeling bad about your skin.

1. Stop looking in the mirror.

This is a colossal waste of time and energy. Looking in the mirror only makes you more obsessed and upset about your problem.

Obsessing over blackheads is a good example. I said it before, but let me say it again – no one is looking at your blackheads. Except you. Seriously! You may think a particular blackhead is noticeable, but it’s really not. The average person who comes into contact with you is standing a few feet away and cannot see it. And if they do, they could care less.

Focus your time and energy on something else. It will be far more productive. You’ll get some benefit out of almost any other activity, whereas looking in the mirror is only going to make you feel worse.

2. Do the best you can, and leave it at that.

Put some effort into caring for your skin (this requires diligence just like almost everything worth doing in life) and learning about how you can improve it.

After you do that, pat yourself on the back and say, “Ok I’ve done the best I can.”

What more can you ask of yourself when you do your best? I find that trying hard and giving something your best is very liberating. It frees you from pressure, guilt, and what if’s.

If at this point you’re not where you want to be with your skin, seek professional help and let someone else take over your burden.

3. Remind yourself of the great unpredictability of life.

What’s your number? By that, I mean – do you know how long you will live? For the great majority of us, we don’t. When your number’s up, it’s up. You won’t know this number until you reach the near end.

So, what I’m trying to tell you is to live your life, and don’t worry too much about your appearance. You have no idea how much time you have on earth. Make the most of it. Do what you can you about your skin, but don’t let you get it down. It’s not worth agonizing over it in the grand scheme of things. You won’t be regretting your skin at the end of life. It will be far, far from your mind.

Things You Can Do To Detract Attention Away From Skin Issues

I hope I have shown that skin, and to a broader extent the quest for physical beauty, should be considered in a larger context.

That may not be enough for some of you. And so, let’s talk about what you can do if you have a problem that bothers you. What can do you while you’re waiting for your skin to improve?

1. You can take attention away from your skin – I will share some tips below.
2. You can take some simple steps toward supporting and healing your skin – I will cover this in my next blog post.

What detracts attention from skin problems? In my highly opinionated and unscientific world view, two things – being nice and showing that you take care of yourself.

Here I’d like to share with you what influences my perceptions when I meet people and what I myself do to put my best face forward. Skin can be very hard to control, but these simple habits are manageable.

Zero Cost, Big Payoff

1. Smile! 

Smiling and looking happy is attractive. People can’t help harboring feelings of goodwill from a genuine smile.

If you look unhappy or grumpy, you will only add to any negative perceptions people may form.

If you have breakouts on your face, but you’re smiling at someone, do you think they’re thinking about your skin or your smile? Your smile! That’s the first thing they will notice, followed by what comes out of your mouth next.

Don’t you feel good when you receive a warm smile or see someone laughing with joy? Are you thinking about someone’s zit when they’re smiling at you? Probably not, and if you notice, you probably won’t care.

If it’s hard for you to smile because you are not feeling good, that’s understandable. You can still build goodwill in other ways, like #2.

2. Be nice to other people.

A kind personality is a very powerful way to influence how people perceive you. Kindness makes us more likeable. And when you’re likeable, people think you’re more beautiful.

You don’t have to actually do anything nice. But feel some kindness, warmth, or generosity, and it will show in your eyes. The eyes are remarkable in how they much they communicate unconsciously. It’s the first thing we look at in a face.

I cringe internally when I meet someone with an unkind or (insert any unpleasant adjective) look in their eyes. And no matter how physically attractive they may be, my natural instinct is to find them unattractive and stay away.

Modest Investment, Big Payoff Too

3. Focus your attention on being CLEAN and NEAT in your appearance.

Looking clean and neat, in my opinion, goes a long way toward looking attractive. And that’s the whole point of fussing over skin, isn’t it? We want to look attractive, whether it’s for dating, work, or our own satisfaction.

We are born looking the way we are, and we can’t change the genes our parents gave us. So we have to accept that, and just be glad we are healthy (hopefully you are) and able to experience what life has to offer.

Some people have the the financial means to alter their appearance, through facial/body procedures, dental work, expensive hair cuts and clothes, fitness trainers, nutrition coaches, regular facials, etc. Most people do not.

While having those means is certainly helpful, you don’t need great means to look great. You can improve your skin and overall appearance with a modest budget.

To me, the key to looking great is presenting yourself with a tidy appearance. You want to create an overall impression that you take care of yourself, which signals that you value yourself. This in turns sends an unconscious message to other people that you are valuable. Because you are! We each have something valuable to contribute, and you shouldn’t allow your appearance to hold you back. But it helps to package yourself like a neatly wrapped present.

When your skin is struggling and you’re not comfortable with the way it looks, then showing cleanliness and neatness in other facets of your appearance offers another benefit – a strong counterbalance.  A lack of overall tidiness tends to reinforce a lack of uniformity in problem skin.

Being neat and tidy doesn’t cost much. It just requires effort and extra time if you need to do things yourself (like ironing your own clothes or coloring your own hair).

Here are some tips to consider. When you read this list, you might think some of these tips are ridiculously simple or obvious. But everyone has different standards of acceptable hygiene. Some of us take these things for granted, but they are not so obvious to others.

Your Hair –

• Is it clean? Do you have it cut regularly? Is it combed or arranged neatly? Dirty, smelly, or messy hair is not attractive. I think most people can agree on that. If your skin isn’t clear – dirty or messy hair accentuates that lack of clarity. Clean, neat hair helps to present your face and skin in a more positive light.
• You don’t need an expensive hair cut. Of course, a flattering cut can make a big difference. But I think neat hair is just as important.
• Don’t try to hide your skin under your hair. If you have acne, it’s actually important you keep hair away (your skin doesn’t need any more oil and bacteria).
• Don’t be afraid to show your skin with all its flaws. I think we assume that people will judge us for those flaws. Unless you make a living from your appearance, most people innately understand that breakouts or imperfections are normal.
• If you are conveying goodwill by other means (like smiling or being nice), and you are genuinely making an effort to put your best foot forward, people will reward you for those efforts and think of you more positively.

Your Teeth –

• Do you take good care of your teeth? Are you brushing and flossing your teeth? Clean, unstained teeth and healthy gums are a sign of good health. And good health is an important factor in how we perceive beauty. If you have unhealthy looking teeth or gums, you’ll be attracting more attention to your face, and the skin surrounding the mouth.
• If you were born with crooked teeth and can’t afford cosmetic dental treatments, don’t despair. Focus on taking good care of your teeth. All you need is a toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, and diligent habits.
• If you can afford cosmetic dental treatments, such as braces or veneers, I think dental improvement is a worthwhile investment if you have problem teeth. Although I am a skin professional who should be encouraging you to invest in your skin, I would actually suggest you save your money for dental improvement over expensive skincare products or facials (gasp!). Simply because there is a more immediate and greater payoff – teeth are a huge focal point on the face.

Your Nails –

• Are your fingernails clean and trim? Do you have remnants of nail polish? Is there dirt stuck under your nails or jagged edges on your nails? Not nice, right?
• It may sound so trivial, but it’s the little details that matter. Every little detail counts. Again, the idea is to create an overall impression of cleanliness and tidiness. Not just on the face, but every aspect of your appearance that is visible to others.

Your Clothes –

• Are they clean? Do they fit you well? Is the fabric ironed or draping smoothly?
• There is no need to wear expensive clothes. You can wear cheap clothes and still look good if you present an overall polished appearance. Who makes a better impression on you – the person who looks clean and neat or the person who hasn’t showered in 3 days, is wearing wrinkled clothes, and didn’t comb their hair? Are you even looking at the style of the clothing or what designers they’re wearing? Probably not. Your first thought is the first impression they made on you.
• Get help choosing cuts and colors that are flattering to you. Salespeople can help you – don’t be afraid to ask or be embarrassed about a humble budget. Every salesperson enjoys the satisfaction of truly helping someone. So if a salesperson can find a product that meets your needs, fits your budget, and makes you happy, he or she will feel good about it too.

4. Stand up straight.

Posture makes a HUGE difference in how you are perceived. First off, standing up straight makes you look younger. We start to slump in old age because our bones are shrinking, our muscles are weakening, and our spine is bending. Second, standing up straight shows confidence. It signals you have nothing to hide or be embarrassed about.

It is very easy to fall into a curved posture. You must constantly be aware of your posture and consciously make an effort to correct it throughout the day. The natural tendency of the body is to collapse downward (that’s gravity again).

I re-adjust my posture many times throughout the day. It’s hard work, but it pays off. Good posture is good for your health, especially if you are in an at-risk group for osteoporosis. I know I will be later in life due to my family history.

Be Nice To Yourself

More importantly than anything else I’ve mentioned so far, be nice to yourself. In other words, don’t beat yourself up about not having good skin. And don’t put pressure on yourself to have perfect skin. Chances are, other people don’t see your skin the way you do, and it’s probably not as bad as you think it is. So feeling bad about your skin is misplaced energy that can be spent somewhere else in your life.

We live in a society where high demands are placed on physical beauty. You can’t change societal norms, so do the best you can in that department to the extent that it helps you meet your goals, whether it’s attracting a mate or looking good for work. And then go focus your attention on much more important matters, like staying healthy, caring for your family and friends, and doing the things that matter to you.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s blog post –  I’ll go over immediate steps you can take when skin is not going your way.

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